I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing.
~ Agatha Christie
This is not about fitness, or couches, pototoes, or princesses.
Sometimes, a small slice of life lurches out of my peripheral view and smashes right into my face, demanding attention like a neglected child. Sometimes, the best laid plans go awry. Sometimes, pain really is the best professor. Sometimes, what I was sure of becomes a question mark. Sometimes, this is okay.
I do like living. I like the act of being alive. Not just sucking air and taking up ether-space. But Living. It hurts, it's messy, unpredictable, terrifying and glorious; sometimes living is all of these all at once. I like the feeling of working for my accomplishments. I like to earn, rather than be handed opportunities. I like dedication and committment and loyalty, even when an outcome doesn't unfold quite like I expected. When I paint, I get paint in my hair, on my thighs, under my fingernails, on my feet--everywhere. I live like this too. When I sing, I pull the notes from deep within my solar plexus--I'm pretty sure this is where I pull tenacity and courage from as well. When I snuggle with my daughter, I am no more or less of the human I was before she was in my arms--but I'm certain that I'm just enough of a human for her. When I make plans, I'm aware that futures have a way of falling down mid-flight (thanks to The Desiderata for that line). But I still like living.
I'm glad I don't go through life unassisted. I'm content with my small cadre of Friends. They are gorgeously multi-faceted people who have helped carve me into the shapes I am. Sometimes, they are the few obstacles between me and my insanity. I need them and I love them.
I have questions, my head is a dangerous playground, I let fear cloud my vision. But I still like living.
(for jenna--thank you.)